Home Improvement Haiku

Two men bickering
Live Studio Audience
Tool Time is my hell.

Tim kisses the drill
"Nothing homoerotic," he claims
as he flicks his tongue

How many women
discovered their bodies change
watching J.T.T.

Sacred pine forest
Binford chainsaws revving up
urgh-urgh-urgh-urgh-urgh

Death surrounds us all
One man wading through the blood
"More Power," he grunts

Now you realize
Tim Allen has no black friends.
You are not surprised

The blade so near flesh
Blood trickling down Tim's cheek
Tomorrow, maybe

After eight seasons
we gain ultimate knowledge:
Men rule, women drool

They applaud his tears.
The laugh track stuck on repeat.
"Kill me," Tim begs

Wisdom and flannel,
the obese man speaks his mind.
"I don't think so, Tim."

A creepy goatee
on the whitest gummy bear.
Future's Family Feud.

A marriage of burps
misogyny, motor oil.
Jill poisons them all.

The Princes of Hell
drink brake fluid from the teat.
Brad, Randy, and Mark

"Aughghgh," Tim says
whenever he's asked to read.
No one knows the truth

His head grows bigger
He wears only black trench coats
Brad is so ugly.

Wilson gives advice
to treat women with respect.
Block his face in shame!

Episode fifteen:
Tim glues head to a table
Don't bother watching

Bad 90's sitcom
Dad Humor at its worst
And yet you watched

Roll on show credits!
This time would be better spent
Passing kidney stones

Mark grew up and looks
sort of like Frankie Muniz.
A fate worse than death

It takes pure evil
to trump evil. I present
the Nintendo game.

- Ian "Salmon Season" Golding

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